Yes, it’s that time of year again, when you’re either despicably sweet and romantic about the prospect of Valentine’s Day, or panicking more than a virgin twink stumbling into a sex dungeon full of muscle daddies brandishing foot-long dildos. Which are you?
I used to be the panicking type until I discovered that the secret to getting through this holiday is to ignore all those heart-adorned adverts telling you what you should be doing, and pay more attention to being who you actually are. In my case, I’m less “hopeless romantic spending months developing intricate scavenger hunts” (damn you Neil Patrick Harris and your sickeningly adorable bar raising!) and more “dirty boy hoping to get that dick good on the night”.
As such, I appropriately lowered the bar for my significant other also. To be honest, I’d appreciate some toys from TLA Gay more than I would anything “traditional”. I guess don’t care what he does, what he gets me, or what he has planned, as long as he doesn’t go with any of the following…
Don’t do it. I know it’s tempting, you’ve been out there shopping for hours and bought yourself three pairs of leather gloves and that cute little poncho for our adorable pup and now you just want to get the job done and go home, but I swear to God if I get one more bottle of JOOP! Homme I’m going to spend a year turning my ever-growing stockpile of the stuff into a devastating chemical weapon to use against anyone who buys me one more bottle. You know it’s true, guys should always choose their own scent, you shouldn’t be buying it for them. It’s even worse when it’s a knock-off, which you had to buy because you spent so much money on three pairs of leather gloves that you’ll only ever wear once.
2. THE “EXPERIENCE”
No, just no. The only time I’ll be leaping from an airplane is when it’s on fire, within a survivable distance from the Earth. At any other time I will be staying in my seat and praying to that God I don’t believe in. And what’s the deal with people wanting to drive around in go-karts for an afternoon? I get that it might be fun for about ten minutes, but after that I’d just kind of feel like I’m watching Bieber on stage for the tenth time and I want it all to end, preferably in an explosion, just for a little excitement. If I want to experience something I’ll choose the experience myself, you do not have permission to guilt me into doing something you know I’ll probably want to vomit all over. If there’s a “sit on your couch and watch Netflix” experience, I’m totally down for that.
3. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT
Unless you’re presenting me with an engagement ring (please don’t) or we’re going there just to mock other people through the window, there is absolutely no reason to be going out to dinner at a swanky overpriced restaurant on Valentine’s Day. The only people who should be are already married or planning to do so. Prior to engagement, there should be no romantic restaurants involved on this date in the calendar. For Halloween it’s fine, Christmas is okay (without any family!) it’s even okay on any of those stupid holidays no one pays any attention to, just not Valentine’s. You want to know why? Because we all know we will see someone get down on one knee, and it will make you and I uncomfortable for the rest of the night, both wondering who expected what and whether the other is disappointed, or scared shitless and about to book a one-way flight to a far-flung land just to escape the palpable awkwardness of it all. It’s important to note that even intent is important here. Any day either side where it’s feasible because it was fully booked on the night is still considered a no-no.
4. STUFFED TOYS
It was sweet when I was 15 and stupid and my girlfriend back then couldn’t steal enough money to buy herself cigarettes and a decent gift, but no adult should be buying their significant other a stuffed animal for Valentine’s Day unless it’s a) haunted by the ghost of an 18th century orphan, b) a freakish one-of-a-kind curio hand-made by a Goth on Etsy, c) stuffed with pot, or d) contains the desiccated remains of a loathed enemy (you know who you are). If I get one that doesn’t adhere to any of these specifics and you just thought is “cute”, I will immediately seek a cigarette lighter and burn it in front of you.
5. SPA WEEKENDS/BEAUTY TREATMENTS
And this also applies to any gift which suggests I don’t do enough to keep myself “pretty” for you. Needless to say, if you get me Botox injections I’ll use my sweetest voice and mannerisms to convince you to come with me, and those needles will only be used to staple your junk to the wall while I go to the nearest pub looking for my new boo. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for laying naked on a comfy bed while a team of buff dudes pays endless attention to me, using warm oils in their rugged and masculine hands and… okay, I’m back… but you and I both know that those buff dudes I just imagined don’t really exist and I’ll actually be contorted into a painfully limp lump by a mustachioed Ukrainian woman in her 50’s who is only doing that job because her wealthy husband left her for his personal assistant named Chad. Oh, and Cucumbers are for slicing and putting in selected cocktails, not putting over my eyes.
Okay, guys, that’s my short (grumpy) list, it’s not entirely complete but I assumed you’d be done with me by number 5. Now, don’t you all feel jealous of my boo? 🙂
In all seriousness (yeah, I can be serious) whatever you’re doing with your significant other this Valentine’s Day, make it unique. If your other half wants the toys, the cologne, and the Neil Patrick Harris experience, do it and put everything into it too. But just maybe think about visiting TLA Gay for some proper toys before you consider anything else, I think your man will appreciate it 🙂